ADHD in Adult Women
When people think of ADHD, they often picture a hyperactive child who can’t sit still. However, for many adult women with ADHD, the symptoms can be very subtle—not because they don’t exist, but because they have been carefully hidden over time. Masking refers to the effort, sometimes conscious and sometimes not, to hide ADHD traits to fit into societal expectations. Women, in particular, are expected to be organized, emotionally regulated, and accommodating, leading them to develop a complex set of masking behaviors. While these strategies help them navigate daily life, they often come at a steep emotional and mental cost.
Masking can take many forms, depending on the situation. Below are some common ways women with ADHD hide their struggles:
Social Masking
Mirroring others' behavior, speech, or interests to fit in.
Forcing eye contact even when it feels unnatural.
Rehearsing conversations ahead of time to avoid awkwardness.
Holding back impulsive thoughts or emotions to avoid being "too much."
Copying social norms and cues without fully understanding them.
Pretending to be interested in conversations when struggling to stay engaged.
Over-apologizing for perceived mistakes.
Smiling constantly to appear approachable and likable.
Using overly formal or rehearsed speech to avoid saying something wrong.
Adjusting personality based on the social setting.
Using humor or self-deprecation to deflect from their struggles.
Work and Productivity Masking
Relying on excessive planners, lists, and apps to stay on top of tasks.
Working extra hours to make up for inefficiency during the day.
Leaning on perfectionism to avoid criticism.
Hiding difficulties with deadlines by appearing "naturally busy."
Asking excessive clarifying questions to cover up inattentiveness.
Memorizing information verbatim rather than truly understanding it.
Taking on too many responsibilities to prove reliability, leading to burnout.
Keeping a spotless workspace to give the impression of organization.
Emotional Masking
Suppressing emotions to avoid being labeled "too sensitive."
Mimicking others' emotional responses instead of reacting naturally.
Laughing along even when feeling confused or overwhelmed.
Acting calm in stressful situations while panicking inside.
Using subtle fidgeting (like tapping a pen) to manage restlessness discreetly.
Forcing themselves to stay upbeat even when exhausted or overwhelmed.
Avoiding deep conversations to keep struggles hidden.
Routine and Coping Masking
Creating strict routines to manage forgetfulness and distractions.
Relying on caffeine or energy drinks to stay focused.
Following mental or physical scripts for daily tasks.
Over-explaining mistakes to avoid being seen as careless.
Strategically placing items to prevent forgetfulness but framing it as "aesthetic."
Dressing neatly to create the appearance of being put-together despite internal chaos.
Relationship and Communication Masking
People-pleasing to avoid conflict or rejection.
Overanalyzing past conversations for potential mistakes.
Deliberately delaying responses to messages to seem more composed.
Forcing themselves into small talk despite finding it exhausting.
Avoiding initiating plans for fear of seeming too eager.
Letting others make decisions to avoid decision paralysis.
Nodding and agreeing even when zoning out or missing details.
Appearance and Physical Masking
Dressing in a way that aligns with social expectations rather than personal comfort.
Wearing neutral makeup or hairstyles to appear effortlessly put-together.
Using fidget jewelry or accessories to stim subtly.
Forcing themselves to sit still in meetings or social situations.
Hiding excitement about special interests to avoid seeming obsessive.
Digital and Online Masking
Editing messages multiple times before sending to avoid seeming "weird."
Rewriting emails or texts repeatedly to sound more "professional."
Maintaining separate social media accounts to express different aspects of themselves.
Liking or commenting on posts strategically to maintain social connections.
Using emojis in a calculated way to ensure their tone is interpreted correctly.
Avoiding video calls to hide facial expressions, fidgeting, or inattentiveness
Can you imagine doing all of that? Every day? For years? While masking can help women with ADHD navigate social and professional spaces, it often leads to burnout as the constant effort to hide symptoms or adapt to others’ expectations can become emotionally and mentally draining over time. It may lead to feeling confused about your own identity, needs, and preferences because it can be hard to know who you are when you’ve spent years adapting to others’ expectations. Many women actually go undiagnosed because the masking behaviors make them appear “high functioning”, however successfully hiding their symptoms means they miss out on essential support tools. And lastly, masking can lead to anxiety and depression because the pressure to keep up appearances can take a significant toll on your mental wellbeing.
If you recognize many of these behaviors in yourself, you’re not alone. Here are some steps to start unmasking and accepting yourself for who you are:
Seek support from a therapist or coach who understands ADHD (maybe even has lived experience with it!) and can help guide you from a strengths-based, neuroaffirmative approach.
Reflect on your behaviors to understand when and why you mask.
Connect with supportive communities that embrace neurodiversity.
Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you don’t need to meet unrealistic expectations.
Masking may have helped you navigate the world, but it’s important to remember that your authentic self is valuable. You deserve to be seen, understood, and supported—just as you are.
Find Support That Celebrates Your Strengths
If you’ve spent years adapting, masking, and feeling misunderstood, you deserve an approach that honors who you truly are. A neuroaffirmative ADHD evaluation provides a validating, strengths-based understanding of your brain, helping you recognize your unique abilities and challenges in a supportive way. Unmasking doesn’t mean losing the skills that help you navigate life—it means gaining the freedom to live authentically, without exhaustion or self-doubt. If you're ready to explore ADHD through a compassionate, empowering lens, reach out today to start your journey toward greater self-understanding and support.
